A Truly Modern Major General
by ziparumpazoo
Summary: Crackfic. Hammond and Teal'c do Gilbert and Sullivan. *I wrote this many years ago under a different pen name and thought it lost when I my old computer went belly-up.


A Truly Modern Major-General Written by Nic  
Comments? Write to me at

It was late one night at the SGC. Colonel Jack O'Neill and his team had just returned from a long mission and strangely, General Hammond had not been standing in his usual spot at the end of the ramp to greet them. Because of the late hour, O'Neill ordered his team to the infirmary for their post mission physicals and went off in search of the general, promising that he would meet up with them later.

After spending an hour on a fruitless search, he opted for leaving a message for the general on his desk and then hitting the showers. It would be morning soon anyhow and they would brief Hammond then. O'Neill made his way down to the locker room, but was stopped short by the site of Captain Carter and Dr. Jackson with their ears pressed against the door, trying to stifle their laughter.

"What's so funny?" he demanded.

"Jack," Daniel pulled him to the door beside him. "Listen."

O'Neill held his breath, afraid of what might be going on in the locker room. Over the sound of the showers he heard the voice. It was a man's voice humming, and Jack realized they had found the missing general.

The voice paused for a moment and the tune changed, turning into something very upbeat. And then he began to sing:

_"I am the every model of a modern Major General,  
My Stargate stands so mightily before its line of sentinels,  
But Sokar came to warn us with glowing eyes and frightening threat,  
If we were to pursue him it would surely bring about our deaths.  
At best he was the worst of all of those infernal System Lords,  
He managed quite effectively to incite the wrath of unwashed hoards,  
But even though the prospect of a daring battle was quite grim,  
I knew that this was one campaign my SG teams would need to win."_

"Oh my god," Sam whispered. "Where's Teal'c? He's got to hear this."

They had all been to see Cassie's school performance of the _Pirates of Penzance_ the week before and the Jaffa had been very interested in the musical. But before anyone could offer to go find him, Teal'c's deep voice was heard over the sound of the water.

_"He knew that this was one campaign his SG teams would need to win,  
He knew that this was one campaign his SG teams would need to win,  
He knew that this was one campaign his SG teams would need to win!"_

"Very good, son," Hammond complemented him before taking up the tune.

_"Oh Teal'c he was the first to fight and draw the Goa'uld fire,  
But wounded was his symbiote and he did begin to tire,  
So Jack stepped in and took a shot, swore and cursed and yelled a lot,  
But in the end it was a loss. A grenade is what he should have tossed. _

_"So Jack stepped in a took a shot, swore and cursed and yelled a lot,  
But in the end it was a loss. A grenade is what he should have tossed."_

"What the hell?" O'Neill almost shouted before Daniel could clap a hand over his mouth to silence him. "Why's he picking on me?"

_"We called upon the Tok'ra to join us while we did resist,  
But they were far too busy with Apophis to visit.  
The Doc was most patient as she put us back together,  
She told us to be careful, for she can't do this forever," Hammond  
continued, unaware of the their presence on the other side of the door._

Teal'c also seemed oblivious as he sang his part.

_"The Doc was most patient as she put us back together,  
She told us to be careful, for she can't do this forever." _

_"Doctor Jackson raised a cry and joined the fight against the Goa'uld,  
He wanted to bring freedom to the planets over which they ruled.  
With Carter standing gamely with her physics firmly by his side,  
He started to keep track of all the times it was that he had died."_

Jack could barely hold back the laughter now, especially upon seeing the look on Carter and Jackson's faces. Damn Hammond was good! And Teal'c was really getting the hang of it. "They should go on tour together," he remarked as Teal'c started another verse.

_"We soon discovered the might of Thor as he tried looking out for us,  
But his planet had been overrun and his efforts were a bust.  
We jumped from gate to gate to gate to gate times infinitesimal,  
And found out that the Zat gun was the weapon that worked best of all. _

_"And found out that the Zat gun was the weapon that worked best of all,  
And found out that the Zat gun was the weapon that worked best of all,  
And found out that the Zat gun was the weapon that worked best of all! _

_"We'd gambled on an attack that would most surely leave us all for dead,  
Putting C4 in the mothership while the world was tucked all safe in bed.  
Escaping in the death gliders while Daniel in the hall did lie,  
They knew we had defeated them by the flashes in the midnight sky."_

"Well, at least he's got the details right," Daniel muttered. What as Jack complaining about being picked on?

General Hammond now took up the chorus.

_"Escaping in the death gliders while Daniel in the hall did lie,  
We knew you had defeated them by the flashes in the midnight sky."_

And in a rousing finish that left Jack, Daniel and Sam leaning against the walls, hand over their mouths trying not to let the laughter escape, both Hammond and Teal'c could be heard to sing:

_"What happened was the moment that he awoke was the very last,  
He dialed up the Stargate like so many times did he in the past.  
And standing in the gateroom among the many men invited,  
He pushed his way right through the crowd and SG-1 was reunited. _

_And standing in the gateroom among the many men invited,  
He pushed his way right through the crowd and SG-1 was reunited."_

The three members of SG-1 stayed hidden behind the door as the last echoes of the song faded into the steam. The showers were turned off and after a few minutes the general and Teal'c exited by the other door. Sam collapsed on the floor; no longer bothering to hold back her giggles as Daniel removed his glasses to wipe the tears from is eyes. Jack had regained his composure, but just barely.

"Well," he shrugged. "At least it had a happy ending."

**~ End ~**


End file.
